I understand what you mean when you feel alone with your problems. I feel alone with my eating disorder at school for the most part. But the cutting and depression I know a few people with that so I can always talk to them about it.

My mother was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was three years old. She was in and out of the mental hospital for most of my childhood. Most of (maybe all) of the time it was for either talking about suicide or actually attempting it. I remember this one time I came home from school when I was around seven and my big sister telling me my mom was in the emergency room because she swallowed a lot of pills. They never told me she was trying to kill herself but I wasn’t your average seven year old. I’m not going to deny I was bright. I asked why she wanted to kill herself. I remember my sister saying “SHE DID NOT!” and then crying like a baby (which I can understand why she would…she was 10 I believe) I didn’t really cry….I just didn’t eat and I remember biting my nails until they bleed….hmmm Maybe the beginning warning signs for an ED and SI…I don’t know….

I remember three years ago…The most recent time she went into the hospital for “Suicide watch” I actually tried to kill myself. I mean I was naive and didn’t really know how to. But I didn’t try to cut my wrist with thumb-tacks. I only managed to scratch my wrist up and I remember it sort of felt like it burned. I felt really stupid after that. After anything really bad would happen to me I would hurt myself. But the really bad cutting started November 2006. Ever since then it’s been a weekly (if not daily) ‘ritual’.

My eating disorder started May 2006. Wow, a year ago this month. I know it started early May so I think the year mark has already passed. I didn’t realize I had an eating disorder but that was definitely when it started. It wasn’t just about loosing weight. It was about dealing with problems. Loosing weight just made/makes me feel better.

I’m having a really hard time finding new ways to cope. I’ve been like this for so long it seems like I can never break free. I’m feeling kind of hopeless.

I just broke up with my boyfriend. It was a mutual thing. I still really like him and he still likes me. He just thought he was causing me problems…I didn’t have the heart to tell him what was really wrong. I tried to but I couldn’t bring myself to say “I’m depressed. I have an eating disorder and I cut. IT’S NOT YOU!”

I’m not suicidal now but I sort of tried to kill myself on Saturday May 12^th 2007. So you have every right to be worried. I cut my wrist up the street and across the rode deeper than I ever had. I didn’t cut deep enough. I actually stopped myself because I realized what I was doing. I felt like I was in sort of a trance [as crazy as that sounds] and I guess I just snapped out of it. If I had cut a little deeper I think it would have been too much and I would have bleed too much………I scare myself sometimes.

I only told two people plus you about what I did and what I was thinking. They aren’t going to tell anyone. I think I sort of wish they would.

Inundated,
Cortney

You have to want to stop to be able to stop, just remember you’re not alone, in the UK 20% of children under 17 Self-harm. Next time you feel like Self-harming why not try one of these ideas instead. Some of these ideas will only work if you know what part of cutting helps bring you the release, i.e. the pain factor, or the blood.

Needing to focus on something
 If you get the urge to Self harm get a computer game to play that has a lot of shoot ups, or is quite violent or that is just hard, and needs a lot of concentration, this should take your mind off of Self Harm

Elastic Band
If you want to experience the pain you get when you Self Harm, try wearing an elastic band around your wrist.  Whenever you get the urge to hurt yourself snap it against you wrist. 
Ice Cubes 
This one is also good if you want to experience the pain of Self Harm.  Hold an ice cube in your hand (or several cubes if they are small) until your hand starts hurting.  If you need more pain than this provides, you could try squeezing the ice cubes in your hand.
5/4/3/2/1
If it’s control that you want to experience with Self harm, this might help you.  Try and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can touch and 1 thing you like about yourself.  
Play dough
This is good for expressing anger as well as an alternative to Self Harm.  For this you need to make some play dough (red if you are using it for Self Harm).  Put the play dough where you want to cut and use a *blunt* knife to cut through it.  If you want to use it for anger, the process of making it (kneading the dough etc) will help to express the anger and also by squeezing and punching it, you will be able to express the anger you are feeling. 
Pens and Food Colouring
This is good to use if you like the blood of Self Harm.  Use a red marker pen or felt tip pen and draw a mark where you would usually cut.  Do it the same as you would if you were cutting, so if you do small, angry cuts do the same with the pen.  If you need something more you can add food coloring to the mark you have just made to represent the blood. 
Music
Depending on how you are feeling when you get the urge to Self Harm, listening to music can sometimes help… get up and dance along to it or sit and cry… listen to whichever sort of music feels good for you at the time.
Have a Bath or Shower
If you are feeling tense then this is a good one to do.  The water and the temperature should ease the feelings of tension and help you to relax.
Talk to a Mate
This is good for however you feel too.  If you have an understanding friend that you can trust, then phone them or meet them online or whatever and just let rip.  If you are angry then shout and yell at them, if you are sad then cry your eyes out.  Just use your friend as a venting ground until you feel better.
Keep a Diary (Journal)
If you don’t feel comfortable or able to express how you feel out loud, you might find it helpful to keep a diary and write down how you feel in there… again, let rip.  If you are worried about people seeing what you have written then it might help to buy a lockable diary and keep it with you. Try and keep this diary with you and then every you feel the urge to Self Harm, write down where you are, what’s happening around you, what time it is, this can be used as a method for finding out why you Self harm and what triggers your urges, as well as a means to help stop.
Pillow punching
Ok might sound silly put the amount of pillows on your bed in front of you for each person or issue your have, for them who are hurting you… now yell at them tell them what you think of them lay into them, punch them kick them, it helps to take your anger out on them pillows then your self.
Stay in a Public Place
If you don’t feel comfortable harming yourself unless you are on your own, this might help.  It will be hard, but staying out in public where there is a crowd of people might stop you from hurting yourself.  It won’t take away the urges but it might stop you from Self Harming while you are out.
Watch a Film (movie)
If you do this one, be careful which type of film you choose to see.  Try and make sure that it won’t have anything in it that will trigger you and try and make sure that it will *stop* you from wanting to Self Harm, rather than increase your urges.
Relaxation/Deep Breathing
If you are feeling panicky or tense then this might help you to relax and get through your urges.  There are lots of methods you can use, but a good basic one is to sit comfortably, back straight, close your eyes and breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth.  Try and fill your lungs as full as possible when you breathe in and empty your lungs as much as you can when you breathe out.  Count slowly from 1 to 5 as you breathe in and count back from 5 to 1 when you breathe out… concentrating on your breathing the whole time.
Make a rag doll
Yes another silly thing but it may help you make this rag doll/ scarecrow/ guy stuffed with paper and when you have the urge to hurt your self… take it out on your doll rip its head of yell at it kick it. Never do it to some one real only to your doll ok…

Write a poem or letter

Writing a poem or letter can help expel your emotions and take your mind off self injury at the same time, write a letter to a friend explaining why you are feeling the way you are, what you want to do to injure yourself, and what they could do to make you feel better. Write down everything your feeling, get it all out of your system but don’t send it. Writing a poem could help distract you, as you need to concentrate on it, it’s also a great way to let out emotions.

I’ve actually been a little on the sick side. I went home from work early yesterday and slept from 4 p.m. until 8:10 p.m… I had a counseling appointment that I was supposed to be at 8:00 p.m. Needless to say, I was late! Then I stayed home from work again today, sleeping most of the day! I don’t think I’m actually sick; I think I’m just worn out from school and class. I feel better now (of course, I just got up “for real” an hour ago!), so I should be back to work tomorrow.

I’m sorry so many of your friends are struggling. There is that silly old phrase, “Bird of a feather, flock together.” I guess that just means that we gravitate toward people who are like us. I think you should take your friend Alicia seriously. Even if she is a “wannarexic,” there’s obviously something deeper going on to make her want to do that. Even if she is just imitating her friends right now, it could turn into something quite serious without her realizing what she’s getting herself into. And they do say that the sooner you get treatment, the easier it is to get better . . . Maybe you should have a chat with the guidance counselor about your concerns about her.

What kind of ironic about your friend Alicia telling your friend Britney that she’s retarded for cutting is that I see so many of the same emotional dynamics at work in both purging and cutting. They seem like two sides of the same coin to me, so Alicia just basically called herself retarded! That had to be hard for your friend Britney to hear though. It’s never fun to meet discouraging messages. When my husband first found out about cutting, he said that he thought only sick freaks who belonged in hospitals did that! (I’d told him about one of my college intimates who’d been cutting herself and painting on the wall in her blood, which is a little on the strange side I think, but that was his only exposure to people who cut, and he didn’t know I was doing it at the time I asked about what he thought). Nevertheless, that made me never want to tell him that I’d started doing it!

Then, this weekend, I was talking to my mom and my sister about wanting to lose weight, and my mom started ripping on my eating habits (I like to eat high carb foods; they taste good!). She was saying, “She [meaning me] thinks she can eat whatever she wants and not gain weight when the rest of us can’t eat the stuff she eats without gaining weight.” I was like, “I should be able to eat whatever I want in moderation.” But my mom just went on being a butthead, and I was like, “You know, I could just have an eating disorder instead, so shut your mouth.” (I didn’t say that.) I don’t know if that makes any sense, but it’s just like, Don’t rip on someone who’s had an eating disorder about what they eat; try to have some sensitivity!

When I was recovering from anorexia and bulimia (the first time . . . I relapsed after about three or four months), I was complaining about my stomach sticking out, and my mom was like, “Well, you could exercise.” And I was like, “I DO exercise! I do hundreds of sit-ups and pushups every morning, plus whatever cardio I would do in gym class.” Then I asked her if she wanted to be the cause of me relapsing. (That wasn’t very nice of me, but it was how I felt . . . she’s just never learned how to interact with someone who struggles with body image or cutting or very much of anything that she hasn’t personally experienced.)

Anyway, congratulations on the not cutting in a week! That’s a big deal, especially if it’s something you’ve been doing regularly!

Your dad sounds like a big motivation behind why you hate yourself so much. I don’t think I’d handle it very well if someone screamed at me for all my failures either! In fact, my husband (after dealing with me and cutting and suicidality for five years) started yelling at me whenever I told him about wanting to cut or, basically, whenever I did anything wrong, which of course only fueled me wanting to cut even more. He actually became one of my biggest motivators for wanting to cut, so my counselor suggested that we bring him into therapy with me more often . . . and it’s actually worked wonders. He’s still far from perfect, but he’s really working on trying to be more helpful and keep his anger when he can’t understand something under control.

I’m glad you took your anger at your dad out on him rather than out on yourself. Eventually, I’d like to see you be able to talk to him about what he’s done wrong . . . rather than just ignoring him! But, hey, you’ve got to start small and do whatever works!

As for you disappointing everybody, you’re going to disappoint people. It’s a fact of life. They’re going to disappoint you too! And, especially when you’re working toward recovery, you’re going to disappoint because you’re not going to do it perfectly (and people like perfect!), but those who are wise and insightful will be able to see progress rather than perfection . . . and they’ll be able to encourage you to keep pursuing progress, which you don’t have to do perfectly! Recovery is hard, and it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to put yourself through the pain of recovery. But you have to keep your eye on the life you can cultivate when you’re free of EDs and SI. Use your English teacher as inspiration if that helps (just remember, she’s not perfect either!). Your life WILL be better when you learn to cope with it without EDs and SI, but it will take work and pain to get there. But once you get a little free of it, you’ll be able to experience some of the joy and beauty in life . . . even though the pain will never entirely go away.

Are there things you can do when you’re stressed out, to not cut? Are there ways you can express your emotions physically, without having to physically take them out on yourself? Can you make a collage (I’ll take a picture of an old one I made and post it on my site)? Or can you talk to a friend? Or send me an e-mail? Or talk to your English teacher or your GC? Or can you distract yourself until you can do one of those things to express your emotions, rather than just stifling them? You can beat this, but all you can do is try (and you don’t have to be perfect!). One day at a time!

Peace,
Elaina

Carrie Underwood

Oh, why you look so sad? Tears are in your eyes

Come on and come to me now.

Don’t be ashamed to cry, let me see you through

Cause I’ve seen the dark side too.

When the night falls on you, you don’t know what to do,

Nothing you confess could make me love you less

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you,

I’ll stand by you.    

So, if you’re mad get mad, don’t hold it all inside,

Come on and talk to me now.

And hey, what you got to hide? I get angry too

But I’m a lot like you.    

When you’re standing at the crossroads, don’t know which path to choose,

Let me come along, cause even if your wrong

I’ll stand by you, I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you,

I’ll stand by you.

Take me into your darkest hour, and I’ll never desert you.

I’ll stand by you.

And when, when the night falls on you baby, you’re feeling all alone,

You won’t be on your own, I’ll stand by you. I’ll stand by you

I’ll stand by you, won’t let nobody hurt you. I’ll stand by you

Take me in into your darkest hour and I’ll never desert you

I’ll stand by you.

Fruit Diet

The idea is that you have one fruit 3 times a day + plenty of water so example…
Breakfast: apple – 60cals
Lunch: apple – 60cals
Dinner: 60cals
total: 120cals

You can change the fruits daily but this is a sure to work diet…fruits help you go to the toilet & none are too fattening… Clementine’s – 35cals, apples – 60cals, kiwis – 45cals, plums – 30cals…

Bread and Butter Diet
The basic gimmick of this diet is that you get to eat a slice of bread with butter at every meal. Here is the basic diet. It’s a four day diet and you can switch any of the breads with bread that you like, or if you can’t find particular bread. Here is the diet. A note, this diet is more of a crash diet than a fad diet; it is low calorie, averaging about 850 calories a day. So, you will feel hungry during this diet.

Day One:

Breakfast:
1 slice whole wheat bread
1 teaspoon butter or margarine
1/2 cup orange juice

Lunch:
3.5 ounces drained water-pack tuna
green salad
1 slice protein bread
1 teaspoon butter or margarine
1 small apple

Dinner:
4 ounces broiled cod
1cup steamed broccoli
1/2 cup steamed peas
1 slice rye bread
1 teaspoon butter or margarine
1 orange

Day Two:

Breakfast:
1 slice raisin bread
1 teaspoon butter or margarine
1 soft boiled egg

Lunch:
3.5 ounces pink salmon
3 ounces lettuce
1 tomato
1 slice white bread
1teaspoon butter

Dinner:
4 ounces broiled hamburger
1 hamburger roll
1 pickle
green salad.

Day Three:

Breakfast:
1 slice corn bread
1 teaspoon butter or margarine
1 cup grapefruit juice

Lunch:
2 hard-boiled eggs
1 green pepper
1/2 cup green beans
1 slice French bread
1 teaspoon butter or margarine

Dinner:
4 ounces broiled white meat chicken
1/2 cup mixed vegetables
1 slice bran bread
1 teaspoon butter or margarine

Day Four:

Breakfast:
1 slice cracked wheat bread
1 teaspoon butter or margarine

Lunch:
1 ounce Muenster cheese
1/2 cup stewed tomatoes
1 cup steamed summer squash
1 slice Italian Bread
1 Teaspoon butter or margarine

Dinner:
4 ounces dark meat turkey
1/2 cup corn
green salad
1 slice pumpernickel
1 teaspoon butter or margarine

3 Day Diet
Instructions:
Drink 4 glasses of water a day.
You can add any of these spices and condiments: salt, herbs, lemon, pepper, vinegar, Worcestershire, soy sauce, mustard & ketchup to your foods.

Day 1:

Breakfast:
Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal
1/2 Grapefruit or Juice
1 Toast with 1 Tbsp. Peanut Butter

Lunch:
1/2 Cup of Tuna
1 Toast
Black Coffee or Tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal

Dinner:
3 Oz. any lean meat or chicken
1 cup green beans
1 cup carrots
1 apple
1 cup regular vanilla ice cream

Day 2:

Breakfast:
Black coffee or tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal
1 Egg
1/2 Banana
1 Toast

Lunch:
1 cup cottage cheese or tuna
8 regular saltine crackers

Dinner:
2 beef franks
1 cup broccoli or cabbage
1/2 cup carrots
1/2 banana
1/2 cup regular vanilla ice cream

Day 3:

Breakfast:
Black coffee or tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal
5 regular saltine crackers
1 oz. cheddar cheese
1 apple

Lunch:
1 boiled egg
1 toast
Black coffee or tea w/1-2 packets of Sweet & Low or Equal

Dinner:
1 cup tuna
1 cup carrots
1 cup cauliflower
1 cup melon
1/2 cup regular vanilla ice cream

Breakfast:
One packet instant oatmeal, any flavor (120-160 cals)
total: 120-160 calories, 2-4 gms fat

Lunch:
Diet soda (0 cals)
total: 0 cals, 0 gms fat

Dinner:
Tea w/ no-cal sweetener (<5 cals)
total: <5 calories, 0 gms fat

total: 120-165 calories, 2-4 gms fat

Cabbage Soup Diet
Instructions:
Eat as much cabbage soup as you desire for seven days and you can lose 10 to 15 pounds. The recipe varies slightly, but basically includes a variety of low-calorie vegetables such as cabbage, onions and tomatoes, flavored with bouillon, onion soup mix and tomato juice. Each day of the seven-day program has specific foods that must be eaten, including potatoes, fruit juice, many vegetables, and on one day, beef.

Day One:
Eat only fruit, all the fruit you want except banana.
Drink unsweetened tea, black coffee, cranberry juice and water.
Eat as much soup as you like.

Day Two:
All you want – fresh, raw or cooked vegetables of your choice.
Stay away from dry beans, peas and sweet corn.
Reward yourself with a big baked potato with butter for dinner.
Eat as much soup as you like, but no fruit for today.

Day Three:
Combine days one and two, eat as much fruit, vegetables and soup as you like but no baked potato.

Day Four:
Eat as many as eight bananas and drink as many glasses of skim milk as you would like on this day, along with your soup.
This day is supposed to lessen your desire for sweets.

Day Five:
You may have 10-20 ounces of beef (300-500g) and a large tin or up to six fresh tomatoes.
Drink at least 6 to 8 glasses of water this day to wash the uric acid from your body.
Eat your soup at least once today.
You may eat broiled or baked chicken (skinless) instead of beef. If you prefer, you can substitute broiled fish for the beef.

Day Six:
Eat beef and vegetables today.
You can even have 2 or 3 steaks if you like, with fresh vegetables or salad.
NO BAKED POTATO.
Eat your soup at least once.

Day Seven:
Brown rice, unsweetened fruit juices and vegetables all you want.
Be sure to eat your soup at least once to day.
No bread, alcohol, or carbonated beverages – not even diet soda

That’s it. Good luck. We would love to see this diet work for you, help you lose weight, and give you a more positive self image.

Vegan Model Diet
Breakfast:
1 slice reduced-calorie bread (45 cals)
1-2 cups black coffee, or with no-cal sweetener (0 cals)
total: 45 calories, ½ gm fat

Lunch:
1 medium-large apple (120 cals)
total: 120 calories, ½ gm fat

Dinner:
8 baby carrots (40 cals)
total: 40 calories, 0 gms fat

total: 200 calories, 1 gm fat

Lose At Least 4lbs A Week…
B: 100calories – [[Piece Of Fruit...Apple-60cals]]
L: Skip – [[Drink Water + Gum If You Need To - 5cals]]
D: 100g vegetables – 25calories
  1 quorn fillet – 45calories
  Heinz Weight Loss Tomato Soup – 50calories
E: Swimming – [[Least Once A Week]]
  50 – 100Sit ups [[At least - Every Night]]
  50 – 100swqats [[At least - Back Straight && Bend Your Knees, Face Forward]]

For Sure Results…
ALWAYS – Keep BELOW 500calories
ALWAYS – Do ATLEAST One Piece Of Exercise – Even If It’s Just The 50sit Ups
Never – Touch That CHOCOLATE BAR You Have Been Craving
Never – Give In To That Packet Of Crisps
ALWAYS- If You Get Peckish & You Think Your Going To Give In Do Some Exercises, Go For A Walk, Have A Drink, Chew Gum, Or Have A Salad. Lettuce Preferably – Very Low In Calories VERY LOW

Top Tips

**Always Have Something Small For Breakfast To Start Your Metabolism…You’ll Lose Weight Quickest && Easier

**Exercise – This Will Help Your Metabolism Work Faster

**Drink Water…Just All Around Experience For The Body

**Chewing Gum For An Hour Burns 11calories…So Even Though Each Piece May Have 5 You’ll Burn 11 = -4calories

…

Tried && Proven To Work By Me…
If You Have Two Months Why Not Try…
…Losing 40lbs+

B: Water – 0calories
L: Water – 0calories
D: Good For You Microwavable Meal – 500cals[[or less]]
E: 100sit ups
  100 squats
  1 hour dancing [[however u like]]
  2x30minute jogs…1 in morn && 1 at night

Just remember it does take 2months… so good luck && stay strong…

Be Sure…NEVER to go over 500calories && if you can do more exercises than I’ve listed DO THEM …xxx

The town is crowded
& she feels claustrophobic
as she leaves her empty bedroom in her past
all her thoughts and feelings
come flooding when she’s dreaming
& she never finds a way to escape

she wants to run
but she knows she cant
losing track of time
right from the start
she’s trapped in her mind
these feelings don’t wonder
they don’t leave her mind
they still control her

She’s starving for perfection
& she never learns her lesson
every time she falls down dead in the street
she’s still not eating
but continues her drinking
too many addictions to control

her wrists are still bleeding
as she searches for a reason
for her fucked up addiction to self harm
she wants to recover
but she’s got no one to help her
she’s still alone & sitting in the dark

she wants to run
but she knows she cant
losing track of time
right from the start
she’s trapped in her mind
these feelings don’t wonder
they don’t leave her mind
they still control her

I drank a lot of hot chocolate and played Trivial Pursuit and went to therapy and found myself extremely wrapped up in the business of life. I learned, gradually, to just fucking deal. . .

I had to decide that whatever happened, I would be all right. That was the hardest decision I’ve ever made, the decision to protect myself no matter what happened. My entire life, I’ve turned on myself the minute something went wrong, even a tiny little thing. . . .

There is never a sudden revelation, a complete and tidy explanation for why it happened, or why it ends, or why you are who you are. You want one and I want one, but there isn’t one. It comes in bits and pieces, and you stitch them together wherever they fit, and when you are done you hold yourself up, and still there are holes and you are a rag doll, invented, imperfect.

And yet you are all that you have so you must be enough. . . .

I am married, which means many things, including but not limited to the fact that I’ve learned a thing or two about love, and patience, and faith. It means that I have a responsibility to stay here, on earth, in the kitchen, in the bed, and not seep slowly back into the mirror. . . .

And still, every goddamn day I have to think up a reason to live. . . .

I have not, nor will I ever, completely lose the longing for that something that I believe will fill an emptiness inside me. But to a certain extent, I have learned to understand the emptiness rather than fear it and fight it and continue the futile attempts to fill it up. It is there when I wake up in the morning and there when I go to bed at night. Sometimes it’s bigger than other times, sometimes I forget it’s even there.

There is an incredible loss. There is profound grief. And there is, in the end, after a long time and more work than you ever thought possible, a time when it gets easier.

Marya Hornbacher, Wasted